I’m 38 and i’m pregnant!

I hope its twins. What if one of the embryos we had transferred splits and its triplets? I’m 5’2 , well 5’1 and a half really. Where will they fit for a start? I love the idea but the reality….well the reality would be a nightmare. One thing for sure; I would catch up with my best friend in one fell swoop. Im too competitive.

Well, a bit about me. I mean a bit because despite the fact that my husband tells me I have the biggest mouth around, i don’t really want to lose some form of anonymity. Why am i worried? Im just one single person in a population of 61.8 million, insignificant. Isn’t that anonymous enough? On the other hand, on my confident, pushy side i’m self-centred enough to believe that i’m more important than the rest and that I can make a difference.

The difference I want to make here is for my impending family first and foremost. I cant lie. I’ve worked my arse off in the City for more than 15 years and what to show for it? Ten thousand pound holidays to the best resorts in the Maldives and endless meals at lovely restaurants. Don’t get me wrong, I loved every minute but my spending was just temporarily buying me out of my misery from the stress and strains in my relationships that work and my reaction to the City created. A monster actually. A drunk one at that. Not a ‘drunk’ but definitely a functioning alcoholic.

So, no money (i’m the major breadwinner so far, I live in the constant hope that one day my husband will strike it rich), no savings and the highest of expectations. I grew up very privileged. Private education, university, skiing in St Moritz and just so that you don’t get the wrong idea and think i’m the monster i’m portraying, a very big, close, loving (but dysfunctional) family-the most important aspect of life to me. Ok, so family, love etc. Yes without those life wouldn’t be worth living for me, but at 38 going on 14 emotionally, I have become just another consumer caught up in the world of oligarchs, private jets (I really do expect that one day I will have one!) There is a better reason than just wanting to be flash, if I’d just wanted flash id go first class every time despite the crappy food and never-clean-enough planes ( I haven’t got to the OCD yet!). I’m a bit of  planespotter. Something to do with the promise of travel to far flung places and again the privilege of travel that they hold) and designer lives. So bloody sad but we have created this sick society always wanting and needing more. Never satisfied. Chasing the wrong things but still wanting them . So I still want them and when I get them then I can focus on the real things that count.

So, end of first post. Although i’ve always thought I was capable of anything, the older I become, the faster technology overtakes, so up until this morning when I thought to myself ‘I think ‘ll start a blog’, I didn’t even know really what a blog entailed or how a blog worked, so please bear with me if I can bear with it! How long can I keep this up for with my short attention span??

Im sitting on my bed at home in NW London about to watch yet another episode of Brothers and Sisters (my mum is just like Sally Field but younger and prettier) and to relax. I am not the relaxing kind. If I stop I think and thinking is generally dangerous. After the long IVF process ( I coped fine but was in a perpetual worse mood than usual-bad!) last wednesday we found out that i was pregnant. Confirmed with two blood tests at the clinic. Both showing quite high levels of beta HCG hormone (100 day 9 then 243 day 11 for those obsessive IVFers) hence my hope for twins. Im meant to take it easy. First few weeks are crucial. So i’m being as lazy as possible. Have a lovely holiday to Morocco to look forward to next week. This one is a budget but still up to my exacting standards one. Meaning, cheap but hopefully spotlessly clean and charming little hotels in the beautiful  and stunning south. desert, oases and kasbahs and sunshine. Perfect.