I’ve been shortchanged!

Yes, it’s me. Me, again. Me! Me! Me! I’m feeling sorry for myself and quite down. Week 14 now. Having breezed ( mostly) through the first trimester into the second, which is supposed to be when you feel at your best, i’m miserable again.  I think it might have something to do with the American Pregnancy Association. That’s who i’ll blame.  Their weekly email update on pregnancy says at 14 weeks ‘ you may begin feeling extremely moody at this point’, so i’ve obliged!

My skin is awful, for me anyway. I’ve had almost perfect skin all my life until coming off the pill last year and letting previously undiscovered PCOS grab a hold of my hormones along with the IVF and the subsequent pregnancy to give me not many, but at least one or two at most times, painful spots which have also left my skin red in places where it hasn’t healed fully yet. I know it’s superficial, but it’s making me miserable when coupled with the gaining weight quicker than the average ‘mum’ due to the steroids and my work uncertainty. I don’t mind the tummy of course (at 14 weeks I look closer to 20 at a guess) but its the legs. I went shopping for maternity jeans yesterday and I just gave up. Looked in Top Shop, upon the recommendation of my best friend, plus had a brief forage in H&M. Nothing. Okay, these weren’t the flagship stores so they had a poor selection and trying on a size 10 instead of my usual 8 (the legs, the legs) of the most unflattering straight-leg jeans (on a stunted 5 foot 1 and a half inch frame!) was enough to drive me back to my car and home. I thought pregnancy was meant to be a happy time. I’m meant to be glowing. I’ve been shortchanged!

And then there’s the money. Once the imminent redundancy has taken place, we have up to 18 months of insurance to pay the mortgage (I’m still the main breadwinner although my hope is that over these next 18 months that changes so that I don’t have to contemplate returning to The City, let alone start worrying about how, after an 18 month break, i’ll actually manage to find another job-my particular job is very much a young, male dominated area). Plus, even if I wanted to (which I definitely do not) I have no chance of securing a new job now. I’m actually very close to a job offer now but one that makes no sense to take financially. I would be working for 4 months before maternity leave and I would be eligible for no maternity pay so there is no point even considering it.

It’s B’s birthday this week as well. Another thing for me to worry about. I have too much time on my hands! We are supposed to be having his annual Birthday BBQ. I’m dreading it. A party without alcohol is no party for me. I know it sounds terrible but the truth is that I’m worried that I will be bored. In the past, being blotto meant spending most of the time in my own little world running around, talking at people and not worrying one bit about whether they were enjoying themselves (a good thing because as the control freak that I am, I have a tendency to over worry). Now, I will have a clear head to overthink. It sounds selfish but I agreed to the 40+ people coming for B. I know he loves his BBQ’s. He deserves it. Anyway, that said, the weather isn’t looking great so it may well be that we will have to cancel. All very well but that just leaves me worrying about the fact that I haven’t arranged an alternative. It’s a combination of trying not to spend money and the hangover from not going out to avoid drinking. I just haven’t the motivation. Very unlike me. I would usually have 3 or 4 different restaurants booked by now. B wants to go to Le Carprice. Our (pre-pregnancy) regular haunt. We used to go at least once a week. To me it’s a party place. I know, I need to bite the bullet, get back in the saddle so to speak. Go there, tell them the good news. There wont be any singing along with Paul at the piano thats for sure, no standing outside with Danny competitively comparing Ipod tunes and smoking (heaven forbid!).

If only I could get rid of this perpetual headache………

P.s. Please feel free to post any recommendations for flattering maternity jeans.

P.p.s. I haven’t forgotten the Novartis stretch mark cream review. Trial ongoing!