I hate this blog. It was fun for a while but I’m starting to despise it. Maybe despise is an exaggeration but nevertheless, I’m fed up. Whether it be with the blog, its lack of overnight success (remember I can be a very overoptimistic optimist!) or just my mood in general . I may well be the most miserable mother-to-be in NW London – there , only a small exaggeration this time – I try to not be too monotonous. I’m bored. Still. I was bored last week and I’m bored this. Wild partying, drink and drugs all give you a false sense of happiness as well as the excitement that I crave and that I’m not getting now. Am I a lost cause? B is already getting worried that I’ll go back to my partygirl ways the minute the baby is hatched but I’m not so sure. Granted, I will party. Maybe once a month is the plan ( ‘is she mad?’ I hear all you new mothers saying to yourselves ! ‘ She’ll be too tired to even brush her own hair ‘. Maybe I will but I’m certainly looking forward to feeling more like myself again. I actually hope that a new , better, more content me is reborn with the new baby. Contentment being the operative word and one of the most elusive of all emotions. Continue Reading
Who would’ve thought, this time last year, for example, that I’d be sitting here, nearly 16 weeks pregnant today? 25 weeks to go! I’m ill. Have been for the last 5 days. It started off as lunch for 14 ( 6 of whom were toddlers-not my scene) at Pizza Express on the Birthday BBQ Sunday. Yes, I got my wish (a bit strong but still), the weather was miserable so the BBQ for 40 had to be called off and a more civilized Birthday Lunch for 4 at Caprice attended on the day (Bank Holiday monday) instead – I’d like to point out that they have put their prices up too, how very dare they!! Anyway, the shock of the Pizza Experience (my best friend had offered to bring a camera to take a picture of my face during the experience) coupled together with having friends to stay who were all to a smaller or larger extent cold-ridden have left poor pregnant one suffering with no respite from any medicine. Not even paracetamol. My GP assured me that i could take it, I know it’s deemed safe, however a few Danish studies ( they are always Scandinavian !) link paracetamol to undescended testicles ( http://www.thebabywebsite.com/article.2418.Is_Paracetamol_Safe_in_Pregnancy.htm) Even our local pharmacist ,who we know well, recommended not taking paracetamol ‘ because I care, don’t take anything’. So with the intention of being a superb mother, I am playing the martyr! Continue Reading
Yes, it’s me. Me, again. Me! Me! Me! I’m feeling sorry for myself and quite down. Week 14 now. Having breezed ( mostly) through the first trimester into the second, which is supposed to be when you feel at your best, i’m miserable again. I think it might have something to do with the American Pregnancy Association. That’s who i’ll blame. Their weekly email update on pregnancy says at 14 weeks ‘ you may begin feeling extremely moody at this point’, so i’ve obliged! Continue Reading
I’m getting sick of my own writing style. It seems a tad narcissistic to blog about oneself. As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, I’m really only doing it for the money! I’m still delusional enough or a positive enough person ( however you look at the world) to believe it’s worth having hope. I must admit, also, that although In the past I would have turned my nose up at the idea, writing is somewhat therapeutic. Especially helping to pass time for someone as impatient as myself. Tube journeys to the hospital and waiting around are no longer hiking my stress levels sky-high.
Today, I’m on the Tube off to meet a very good friend for lunch . Someone I met a long time ago when I was working in a French bank. An analyst back then and the smartest person I know by far in the investment world. Anyway, I’ve had to avoid him for the last four months as one of my drinking/lunching buddies. It would have been too obvious otherwise. Added to that is that fact that as a dear friend, I really wanted to tell but B really reigned me and my big mouth in so against all my instincts I kept quiet.
Just met him for a very convivial lunch. Cheap and cheerful Turkish at Tas in Farringdon. I can almost say that I’m starting to enjoy sober meals out. Diet Coke (just the odd one, mind) is the new Pinot Grigio. I’m definitely happier and more relaxed. Everyone keeps saying.
I’m in the ante natal ward at UCLH now (my second time this week but this time to see the consultant) and it’s still a pleasant and uncrowded place to be. Theres a lady with a tiny, tiny baby standing 5 feet away. I’m actually thinking it’s cute and not hating it for once. Perhaps I’m coming to terms with being pregnant and I’m able to appreciate it. I think it also comes down to the fact that I’m super relaxed re work. My ‘boss’ is off for three weeks ‘working’ so I don’t even need to go to the office for an hour a day to ease my guilt. I’ve been to pregnancy pilates this morning. I really enjoyed it. At Pilates Art Physiotherapy in Kilburn High Road. Mat classes taught by physiotherapists. Very thorough and a nice teacher named Maria. It was a hard workout but a good one as I actually worked some of those lazy muscles of mine!
Blimey, I’m almost raving for me. I’m in a good mood. This is becoming a scary habit! Continue Reading
Don’t all fall off your seats at once. Yes, this really is me back with a premature (excuse the pun) post!
It’s the work thing or lack thereof. I did say I’d explain last time so here goes, career update:
I was called to a meeting with HR on Tuesday to discuss the option of taking the redundancy offer further. Ie progressing a letter which was first sent to me in January warning me of the possible redundancy of my position – clever of them really given that they had actually made it redundant before my team had even joined by withdrawing the investment promised to us to start our equity desk on our first day!
So, after almost five months of nothingness, happily sat through quietly by me, (who wouldn’t on full pay, no boss to watch over you and going through the trauma of IVF?) and after two previously delayed meetings to pursue other internal possibilities, the official process has begun again. We have one more ‘opportunity’ to check out (one from our Paris office where a colleague is potentially setting up a desk he’d like me to join – never going to happen in my opinion but if HR can wait for him to let then know if it’s going to go ahead probably – another month of getting paid-then who am I to complain? The reality is that I can’t really accept a job anyway because their maternity benefit generously extends to statutory!! In such a male dominated firm you would expect more, especially because they would hardly ever have to pay out, but such is the nature if the beast.
So, I’m hanging on as long as possible. They don’t know I’m pregnant and until the redundancy is confirmed I won’t be telling them or, knowing them, they will try to find some way to avoid the redundancy given maternity leave would be cheaper for them.
I have a meeting with HR next week but in the meantime I have time on my hands. You know what that means?I’m bored! More scans! I’m now sitting in the walk-in clinic at UCLH having had a few pains after my yoga stretching and not being able to wait until my Mondays scan appointment I’ve come here. Amazingly there is no queue and I’ve been called in twice but I’m waiting for my husband, let’s call him B from now on, so that he can see the scan too. Ridiculous, the NHS is waiting for me!
Scan update; all is well. Baby is bouncing around like mad and measures 58mm. A morning well spent. Plus, I had some blood tests to get done from my midwife so up the stairs I went and walked straight in. Empty clinic again. I’m starting to like the NHS! Continue Reading